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June 01, 2006

The Jolly Roger Manifesto


Jolly Roger, originally uploaded by mubix.

Landlubber Chris Holt avows that sectarian tensions be escalatin' twixt ninjas and pirates at Stanford University:

While both groups speak of “pride” for their group and claim that they want “peace,” such statements always prelude bashing the other group. Being pro-Ninja means that you condone Ninja killings of Pirates, or that you are Anti-Piratical. It’s them or us. You can’t show pride in being a Pirate or a Ninja without then saying how “the Ninjas are yellow-bellied bastards” or “the Pirates lack honor or good hygiene.”

Avast, ye mateys! As a wench of the piratical Left, I be callin' on all progressive privateers, buckaneers, brigands and sailors of fortune o' good will to sign the Jolly Roger Manifesto.

Yea, friends, I offer ye this resolution in the grand seafarin' tradition of the Dread Pirate Geras and his swashbucklin' crew o' Eustonites.

I trust these truths be self-evident.

1. Rum be good. We nae sayin' sake be bilge swill, but any mouth that be praisin' sake is nae gulping rum. We just be sayin'. (Klonopin be a mighty fine thing too, but ye'd better not be givin' none to the coxswain whilst he sits the watch.)
2. We all be needin' more parrots, regardless o'race, creed, or preferred method o'killin'.
3. We be havin' no truck with pirates apologizin' for Ninja atrocities. Nae, no truck. We th' undersigned pledge that any scurvy bastard who e'er dreams o'truckin' with the Ninjamafascists be keelhauled and strung up on the mizzen mast.
4. There be no double standards in piracy. Though we be critical o' the piratical practice o'press-gangin', we be strenuously opposin' any implication that forceful recrutin' tactics be comparable to th' silent killin' o'whole families by throwin' stars.
5. Though the Royal Navy be bent on our destruction, we be brookin' no more scurrilous slurrin' o Her Majesty's Fleet. Every breath spent cursing the Rear Admiral's mother be one breath less to curse the Ninjihadis and their piratical apologists.
6. We, bein' pirates, be acutely cognizant o' the sorry history of apologism within the annals o' piracy. Progressive old salts like us be therefore resolved to maintain ye olde Critical Openness. Aboard our ships, any scurvy dog who be not open to criticism will kiss the gunner's daughter, and right quick.
7. Plunder be the new internationalism!
8. Arrr.
9. Relativism be for syphilitics, Ninjas, and landlubbers.
10. Messdeck lawyers walk the plank.

Have ye questions?

Sign now, or prepare to be boarded.

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» Do ye even need to ask, Lindsay? from Pharyngula
Will I sign th' Pirate's Compact? Arrr. It be like askin' Blackbeard if he wants a tot o' rum before plunderin' yon fat merchanter. Which reminds me…on me mission to New York tomorrow, I need to be askin' about... [Read More]

» Do ye even need to ask, Lindsay? from Pharyngula
Will I sign th' Pirate's Compact? Arrr. It be like askin' Blackbeard if he wants a tot o' rum before plunderin' yon fat merchanter. Which reminds me…on me mission to New York tomorrow, I need to be askin' about... [Read More]

Comments

ROTFLMAO - #2,3,4,8,&9 killed me. Good god.

Where do I sign up?

Someone needs to stop this madness. For the love of God, think of the children! Let's all hold hands (and hooks) and sing:

Where have all pirates gone/
Long time passing/
Where have all the ninjas gone/
Long time gone...

Aye, cap'in!

John, have ye been teachin' Lindsay Jr. her knot-tyin' skills? (Lord knows, it's how we got inte this mess in d'first place, but a Capt'n feels a certain responsibility to bring a girlchild up right.)

As a Pirate and a Rastafarian, I have to add the historical anti-borgoise history of pirates, their Democratic nature, and their support of those injured while on the job.

Ninjas, or Shinobu no mono, on the other hand, swear fealty or are "independant contractors" who serve only those who can afford to hire them. Also, should they fail in the line of duty, they were often expected to take their own lives.

Simply, put. it's the Pirate's Life for me.

Lindsay,

Bad news, I'm afraid. Lindsay, Jr. was snooping through some of my old junk and discovered I was raised as a Catholic. (She found a rosary and my old altar boy cassock. I just knew my misspent Roman youth would come back to haunt me.) I tried to explain to her that I was just a stupid kid who didn't know any better because I drank WAY too much blood of Christ, but she wouldn't hear of it. She ran off and saw The DaVinci Code (by Michelangelo), and became enamored with Opus Dei. She's now taken up practicing martial arts with some Catholic toughs. Yes, our worst fears have been realized: She's become a NINJA CATHOLIC. Here is what she now looks like.

Maybe if she'd had a better MOTHER for a role model this wouldn't have happened. (If you can't figure that out, it means it's all your fault.)

Mark my words, John, there will be a movie about this. Alas, it will probably be made for ye olde TV, and never released theatrically. Unless there's some kind of estrogen-pirate-darthvader-skywalker-ninja-type angle, in which case, rock on Linday, Jr. (But dont's ye forget knot-tyin', your Mama sez.)

Arrr, this pirate will be in NY this weekend, lootin' and plunderin' but not wenchin' (can a pirate be a feminist? What a dilemma...)

Anyways, I'll be exhortin' the corporate offices of Seed to continue their cunnin' plans for world dominion most of Friday, while knockin' back a few pints. Saturday, I'll be cheerin' on me man Darwin at the AMNH late morning and early afternoon, and goin' to a Broadway musical that evenin' (uh, does that demolish my piratical cred, too?) Late afternoon and early evenin', though, I be free...if you want to email me a cell phone number, I can contact ye, and maybe get together for some grog. Or you can leave me a message at the Grand Hyatt New York, Park Avenue at Grand Central Station -- (212) 883-1234. Arrr, that be awfully posh for a pirate, I know, but the Spouter Inn, the Sword Fish, and the Crossed Harpoons were booked solid.

Arrh, I'll be givin' ye a call tomorrow'. I hesitate to release my phone number on the blog. These waters be patrolled by pissant privateers and informers from the Royal N.

Fear the not, noble PZ, musicals be inherently piratey! We seafarin' folk love song, dance, and spiffy outfits.

"Sign now, or prepare to be boarded."

Oooh, it's been a while since I've had a good boardin'. Sounds like something Rumsfeld might sign off on...or allegedly Bill Bennett.

Fifteen men on a dead man's chest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum
Drink and the devil had done for the rest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.
We wrapped 'em all in a mains'l tight
With twice ten turns of a hawser's bight
And we heaved 'em over and out of sight,
With a Yo-Heave-Ho! and a fare-you-well
And a sudden plunge in the sullen swell
Ten fathoms deep on the road to hell,
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

matey, sign me - scurvy stephen
(ninjas let their mommas dress 'em funny)

Yarr, it be a Pirate's life fer me. I be makin' me mark.

Sorry, Cap'n Lindsay, but everyone knows that the pirate/ninja "rivalry" was just a joke by ninjas because they thought it would be funny. Imagine! A pirate thinking himself the worthy opponent of a ninja!

If need be, this can be settled with cutlasses and shuriken at dawn next week in Vegas.

Avast proud beauty, remind PZ when ye sees him to ask whar be th' Pirate Mode fer his bloggin' software BEFORE swillin' a pint or two of grog . Pharygula be not th' same without th' Pirate Mode.

I also left this gem in a comment for PZ.

YOU CAN'T BE A PIRATE
(Don Freed)
Midi file of just the melody at:
http://www.mudcat.org/midi/midifiles/pirate.mid

Being a pirate is all fun and games,
'Til somebody loses an ear.
It drips down your neck, and it falls on the deck,
'Til someone shouts, "Oy, what's this 'ere?"
You can't wear your glasses, you can't [poll?] the lasses,
Your friends have to shout so you'll hear;
Being a pirate is all fun and games,
'Til somebody loses an ear.

Chorus:
It's all part of being a pirate (a pirate, a pirate);
You can't be a pirate with all of your parts.
Oh, it's all part of being a pirate (a pirate, a pirate);
You can't be a pirate with all of your parts.

Being a pirate is all fun and games,
'Til somebody loses an eye.
It stings like the blazes, it makes you pull faces,
You can't let your mates see you cry.
A dashing black patch will cover the hatch
And make sure that the socket stays dry;
Being a pirate is all fun and games
'Til somebody loses an eye.

(chorus)

Being a pirate is all fun and games
'Til somebody loses a hand.
It spurts and it squirts and it jolly well hurts,
Pain only a pirate could stand.
The fash'nable look is a nice metal hook,
But now you can't play in the band.
Being a pirate is all fun and games,
'Til somebody loses a hand.

(chorus)

Being a pirate is all fun and games,
'Til somebody loses a leg.
It hurts like the dickens, your pace never quickens,
Hopping around on a peg.
Ask your sweetheart to marry, but too long you've tarried,
'Cause now you can't kneel down and beg.
Being a pirate is all fun and games
'Til somebody loses a leg.

(chorus)

Arrr, this pirate will be in NY this weekend, lootin' and plunderin' but not wenchin' (can a pirate be a feminist? What a dilemma...)

As I understand it, pirates can indulge in Platonic wenchin', a wenchin'-o-the-heart as it were, if they're too married, too female, too gay or generally too tired to engage in the physical variety. Simply wave your hand and mutter "Arr, carry on!" when you run into someone engaging in the actual wenchin', and you'll be deemed to have transubstantiated your actual wenchin' duties.

Yo ho ho.

PZ said: " (can a pirate be a feminist? What a dilemma...)"

Hell yes! Women make the best pirates of all...

As a Pirate and a Rastafarian...

The most fearsome sort of pirate! "Flee, me buckos! 'Tis the Relaxed Pirate Marcus! Wi' burning tapers o' ganja twined into his beard!"

Though he's spot on - Pirates, bein' collaborative gentry by nature, are Democrats, wi' the motto of the Coast Brotherhood bein' "Fair's fair", and every man on the account getting his crack at the loot. While your Ninja, on the other hook, is just the acquiescent servant of an oppressive feudal system, and a solo operator to boot.


I second the point that Musicals be piratical by nature. There be at least one musical all about Pirates, d'ye see, and several others which mention either pirates or smugglers (and smugglers, being swarthy, eyepatched, earringed, frilly-shirted, kerchiefed, heavily-armed, daring and lawless fellows (or lasses), be simply in essence our brother (or sister) pirates deprived by cruel fate of a ship or a sea to sail it on, (wi' a curse).) (I seem to have over-parenthesised meself. Arr, 'tis tricky life for a Lisping pirate.)

And, PZ, b'aint nothing unfeminist about wenchin', if ye be not already made fast yeself (as ye be), and the wench wants to be wenched, look 'ee...

I am a follower of the way of shinobi-no-mono, a humble chūnin. I want to stand for our Order and invite those ambivalent scurvy sea turds among you to spend time with us before passing hasty judgment. We are keeping records of these pirates' words, and we have sworn an oath to our ancestors to avenge their honor.

These pirates stay out on the water because they know that on land, death would come swiftly and stealthily.

merciful god in heaven. i have prayed nightly that this choice would never be placed in my path. i was raised between both worlds and have seen the best and, alas, the worst of both factions. for you see, my mother was a ninja and my father a pirate. it is a conflict i wish on no one, please reconsider this battle.

but if a choice is foisted upon my soul, i will choose ninja. while the pirate life is filled with plunderous adventure and barrels and barrels (and barrels) full of ale, ninjas get to use cool claw hooks that let you climb trees. also ninjas have much sweeter weapons like throwing stars and swords, not the big unwieldy kind that pirates use but slim, graceful swords with etchings of dragons on them.

I have always considered myself a moderate pirate. I have nothing against those who dress covered head to toe in black, tossing pointy frisbees around. I am perfectly willing to tolerate Ninjas provided they admit they're always wrong.

Arrr, but are ye willin' to criticize other lefty pirates? Rogerites, like Eustonites, are committed to recognizin' thar be enemies on the piratical left. and that it be our sworn duty to make 'em feel bad.

"Arrr, but are ye willin' to criticize other lefty pirates?"

Certainly. Unless they're orphans.

Pirates, ninjas, fine, I can choose sides there. But what about ninjas (and barn owls) that think they are pirates?

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