The Jolly Roger Manifesto
Landlubber Chris Holt avows that sectarian tensions be escalatin' twixt ninjas and pirates at Stanford University:
While both groups speak of “pride” for their group and claim that they want “peace,” such statements always prelude bashing the other group. Being pro-Ninja means that you condone Ninja killings of Pirates, or that you are Anti-Piratical. It’s them or us. You can’t show pride in being a Pirate or a Ninja without then saying how “the Ninjas are yellow-bellied bastards” or “the Pirates lack honor or good hygiene.”
I trust these truths be self-evident.
1. Rum be good. We nae sayin' sake be bilge swill, but any mouth that be praisin' sake is nae gulping rum. We just be sayin'. (Klonopin be a mighty fine thing too, but ye'd better not be givin' none to the coxswain whilst he sits the watch.)
2. We all be needin' more parrots, regardless o'race, creed, or preferred method o'killin'.
3. We be havin' no truck with pirates apologizin' for Ninja atrocities. Nae, no truck. We th' undersigned pledge that any scurvy bastard who e'er dreams o'truckin' with the Ninjamafascists be keelhauled and strung up on the mizzen mast.
4. There be no double standards in piracy. Though we be critical o' the piratical practice o'press-gangin', we be strenuously opposin' any implication that forceful recrutin' tactics be comparable to th' silent killin' o'whole families by throwin' stars.
5. Though the Royal Navy be bent on our destruction, we be brookin' no more scurrilous slurrin' o Her Majesty's Fleet. Every breath spent cursing the Rear Admiral's mother be one breath less to curse the Ninjihadis and their piratical apologists.
6. We, bein' pirates, be acutely cognizant o' the sorry history of apologism within the annals o' piracy. Progressive old salts like us be therefore resolved to maintain ye olde Critical Openness. Aboard our ships, any scurvy dog who be not open to criticism will kiss the gunner's daughter, and right quick.
7. Plunder be the new internationalism!
9. Relativism be for syphilitics, Ninjas, and landlubbers.
10. Messdeck lawyers walk the plank.
Have ye questions?
Sign now, or prepare to be boarded.