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September 09, 2005

The Best Man For the Job

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--President George W. Bush announced that the vacancy at the head of FEMA created when Michael Brown was nominated as the next Ambassador to the Ivory Coast would be filled by Andrew Fastow, former Chief Financial Officer of Enron, Corp. “As I said many times,” said a beaming President Bush. “Enron is a great company. Andrew did a brilliant job developing clever ways of concealing potentially damaging information, and this makes him a perfect fit for the job. Not to mention that he has all of the most important credentials in place.” Fastow wasted no time explaining his plans to reform FEMA. “Effective immediately, we will be launching Operation LEIA,” declared Fastow. “We will spare no expense bringing in the best disaster relief specialists that the Cayman Islands has to offer. In addition, we will be hiring the JARJAR corporation—which is headed by a prominent head of a federal agency who must remain confidential at this time—to create synergistic markets that will allow New Orleans to recognize immediate gains.” “And the best thing is,” said President Bush, “we know he cannot leave the country for any reason, and within a year or two we will know his whereabouts 24 hours a day. This will be a major advantage.”

Bush’s choice immediately drew plaudits from informed observers. “He will do a terrific job,” said James K. Glassman, syndicated columnist and prescient author of Dow 36,000.  “We need some free-enterprise insights if the recounstruction is going to work, and he was one of the first people to recognize the value of my insight that a company could use the same money to pay dividends and invest in future growth.” Glassman also felt that the appointment would help rectify the grievous injustices done to the Fastow family. “As one of my colleagues at Shill Central Station  pointed out, it is just unfathomable that a real estate heiress like Lea Fastow was forced to go to prison like a common proletarian, and her experience was miserable. There’s no doubt that the FEMA salary will allow Andy to buy a lot of packs of Camels when his time comes.”

What clinched the deal for Bush, said White House spokesman Scott McClellan, was the impressive resume that Fastow had compiled since leaving Enron.  “After the lies spread about Brownie by people who despise this country, we carefully scrutinized the credentials of all viable candidates, and Andy just knocked us out. He has been Assistant Manager of the 3rd largest Carl’s Jr. in Denton, Official Adjudicator of the Greater Dallas Area’s cutest hamster competition, and starting left fielder for the Houston Astros,” said McClellan. “Obviously, it would be difficult to find anyone more qualified for the position based on his most recent experience alone.”

Asked whether Bush was unhappy with Brown’s performance, Bush responded angrily. “We could not have been happier with Brownie’s performance,” said Bush. “Why else would we have awarded him both the Medal of Freedom and the Lionel Chetwynd Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence? It’s just that our relationship with the Ebony Pennin…er, the country we’re sending him to is more important. We have a saying in Texas, if it’s brown, er, flush, er, um, big cattle no hat!”  Brown was unavailable for comment.

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» When Brown isn't enough from dustbury.com
Scott Lemieux happens upon the announcement of the new top man at FEMA, and his qualifications are just about perfect: He has been Assistant Manager of the 3rd largest Carl's... [Read More]

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Comments

Now that's funny.

I actually had to stop & think about this one because it is, sadly, feasible. Even funnier is that the political story aggregators picked up on it and I can just imagine a bunch of people scratching their heads thinking "say what?"

Yup, the sad part is that you had me going for a second there, too. A reconstruction of my thinking:

1. WTF????????????

2. Ha ha! Earth humor...

3. ...um, right?

I just really needed to use that Tech Central Station link...

Beautifully crafted! I was foaming at the mouth as you set the hook and weeping with laughter at the finish. It is getting so difficult to parody this government because outrageous abuses are sanitized daily. You swept me off my feet!

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