WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--President George W. Bush announced that
the vacancy at the head of FEMA created when Michael Brown was nominated as the
next Ambassador to the Ivory Coast would be filled by Andrew Fastow,
former Chief Financial Officer of Enron, Corp. “As I said many times,” said a beaming President Bush. “Enron is a great
company. Andrew did a brilliant job
developing clever ways of concealing potentially damaging information, and this
makes him a perfect fit for the job. Not
to mention that he has all of the most important credentials in place.” Fastow wasted no time explaining his plans to
reform FEMA. “Effective immediately, we
will be launching Operation LEIA,” declared Fastow. “We will spare no expense bringing in the
best disaster relief specialists that the Cayman Islands has to offer. In addition, we will be
hiring the JARJAR corporation—which is headed by a prominent head of a federal
agency who must remain confidential at this time—to create synergistic markets
that will allow New Orleans to recognize immediate gains.” “And the best thing is,” said President Bush,
“we know he cannot leave the country for any reason, and within a year or two
we will know his whereabouts 24 hours a day. This will be a major advantage.”
Bush’s choice immediately drew plaudits from informed
observers. “He will do a terrific job,”
said James K. Glassman, syndicated columnist and prescient author of Dow 36,000. “We need some free-enterprise insights if the recounstruction is going to work, and he
was one of the first people to recognize the value of my insight that a company
could use the same money to pay dividends and invest in future growth.” Glassman also felt that the appointment would
help rectify the grievous injustices done to the Fastow family. “As one of my colleagues at Shill Central Station pointed out, it is just unfathomable that a real estate heiress like Lea
Fastow was forced to go to prison like a common proletarian, and her experience
was miserable. There’s no doubt that the
FEMA salary will allow Andy to buy a lot of packs of Camels when his time
comes.”
What clinched the deal for Bush, said White House spokesman
Scott McClellan, was the impressive resume that Fastow had compiled since
leaving Enron. “After the lies spread about Brownie by people
who despise this country, we carefully scrutinized the credentials of all
viable candidates, and Andy just knocked us out. He has been Assistant Manager of the 3rd
largest Carl’s Jr. in Denton,
Official Adjudicator of the Greater Dallas Area’s cutest hamster competition,
and starting left fielder for the Houston Astros,” said McClellan. “Obviously, it would be difficult to find
anyone more qualified for the position based on his most recent experience
alone.”
Asked whether Bush was unhappy with Brown’s performance, Bush
responded angrily. “We could not have
been happier with Brownie’s performance,” said Bush. “Why else would we have awarded him both the
Medal of Freedom and the Lionel Chetwynd Award for Outstanding Achievement in
the Field of Excellence? It’s just that
our relationship with the Ebony Pennin…er, the country we’re sending him to is more
important. We have a saying in Texas, if it’s brown,
er, flush, er, um, big cattle no hat!” Brown was unavailable for comment.
Now that's funny.
Posted by: CGHill | September 09, 2005 at 09:19 PM
I actually had to stop & think about this one because it is, sadly, feasible. Even funnier is that the political story aggregators picked up on it and I can just imagine a bunch of people scratching their heads thinking "say what?"
Posted by: ol cranky | September 10, 2005 at 10:40 AM
Yup, the sad part is that you had me going for a second there, too. A reconstruction of my thinking:
1. WTF????????????
2. Ha ha! Earth humor...
3. ...um, right?
Posted by: Winston Smith | September 10, 2005 at 11:15 AM
I just really needed to use that Tech Central Station link...
Posted by: Scott Lemieux | September 10, 2005 at 12:04 PM
Beautifully crafted! I was foaming at the mouth as you set the hook and weeping with laughter at the finish. It is getting so difficult to parody this government because outrageous abuses are sanitized daily. You swept me off my feet!
Posted by: suzib | September 10, 2005 at 12:07 PM