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June 01, 2006

The Jolly Roger Manifesto


Jolly Roger, originally uploaded by mubix.

Landlubber Chris Holt avows that sectarian tensions be escalatin' twixt ninjas and pirates at Stanford University:

While both groups speak of “pride” for their group and claim that they want “peace,” such statements always prelude bashing the other group. Being pro-Ninja means that you condone Ninja killings of Pirates, or that you are Anti-Piratical. It’s them or us. You can’t show pride in being a Pirate or a Ninja without then saying how “the Ninjas are yellow-bellied bastards” or “the Pirates lack honor or good hygiene.”

Avast, ye mateys! As a wench of the piratical Left, I be callin' on all progressive privateers, buckaneers, brigands and sailors of fortune o' good will to sign the Jolly Roger Manifesto.

Yea, friends, I offer ye this resolution in the grand seafarin' tradition of the Dread Pirate Geras and his swashbucklin' crew o' Eustonites.

I trust these truths be self-evident.

1. Rum be good. We nae sayin' sake be bilge swill, but any mouth that be praisin' sake is nae gulping rum. We just be sayin'. (Klonopin be a mighty fine thing too, but ye'd better not be givin' none to the coxswain whilst he sits the watch.)
2. We all be needin' more parrots, regardless o'race, creed, or preferred method o'killin'.
3. We be havin' no truck with pirates apologizin' for Ninja atrocities. Nae, no truck. We th' undersigned pledge that any scurvy bastard who e'er dreams o'truckin' with the Ninjamafascists be keelhauled and strung up on the mizzen mast.
4. There be no double standards in piracy. Though we be critical o' the piratical practice o'press-gangin', we be strenuously opposin' any implication that forceful recrutin' tactics be comparable to th' silent killin' o'whole families by throwin' stars.
5. Though the Royal Navy be bent on our destruction, we be brookin' no more scurrilous slurrin' o Her Majesty's Fleet. Every breath spent cursing the Rear Admiral's mother be one breath less to curse the Ninjihadis and their piratical apologists.
6. We, bein' pirates, be acutely cognizant o' the sorry history of apologism within the annals o' piracy. Progressive old salts like us be therefore resolved to maintain ye olde Critical Openness. Aboard our ships, any scurvy dog who be not open to criticism will kiss the gunner's daughter, and right quick.
7. Plunder be the new internationalism!
8. Arrr.
9. Relativism be for syphilitics, Ninjas, and landlubbers.
10. Messdeck lawyers walk the plank.

Have ye questions?

Sign now, or prepare to be boarded.

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» Do ye even need to ask, Lindsay? from Pharyngula
Will I sign th' Pirate's Compact? Arrr. It be like askin' Blackbeard if he wants a tot o' rum before plunderin' yon fat merchanter. Which reminds me…on me mission to New York tomorrow, I need to be askin' about... [Read More]

» Do ye even need to ask, Lindsay? from Pharyngula
Will I sign th' Pirate's Compact? Arrr. It be like askin' Blackbeard if he wants a tot o' rum before plunderin' yon fat merchanter. Which reminds me…on me mission to New York tomorrow, I need to be askin' about... [Read More]

Comments

Arrr, as a proud graduate of Park University, I shall be glad to scribbly my mark in blood and uphold the pirate honor!

I like how "kiss the gunner's daughter" is your second most popular outgoing link. It's every bit as naughty as it sounds, though not in the way you'd think. (Bare-bottom lashing while tied over a small cannon.)

And I'm happy to sign up, though it might be best to put me in the brig on one particular day each month...

Arrr. Pluck out me liver 'n' lights for a lubberly dog if I be not a-signin' this pledge. By my beard, I'll see to it we give every blasted man-jack o' that Ninja crew the drink...them 'n' their scurvy palingenetic ultra-nationalism. The only stars them lads'll be seein' are forty fathoms deep and stuck to rocks, arrr.

As a holder of an advanced degree in piratology (Ph.R. 1988, University of American Heritage Correspondence Bible College)and sole member of faculty at the International University of Buccaneering, I will certainly sign the pledge as long as some mention is made of the indiputable fact that pirates love pinatas (See New England Journal of Piracy, Jan 98: Pinatas: Love or hate?, R.Newton). Please thus amend the pledge as I am a department chair and am required to insist on some ego-enhancing measure. This will certainly cheese off those buggers over at the Northwestern institute of Nijitsu, who hate pinatas.

Steve "That's Dr. Steve" James

Rum, sodomy, and the lash. If they're good enough for the Pogues, they're good enough for me.

Heave away, haul away!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! Avast Ye.
I be signin' the manifesto. A keg O' rum a time or two. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

Wow, I shall be singing this here manifesto and understand that there be ramifications of such doing. I as sure as sea be not fit to drink, that Ninjas on coniving and sneaky. Hmmm, not me. Also, I be likin' that rum and Ninjas can't climb drunk, but I shall be commanding my land yacht by the rum's influence. Aaaarrrrgggghhh

I will board your ship, tear you and your crew to pieces and burn your ship once it has been luted.

We are better off today than we were eight years ago

YARR.

A pirate I be.
I sail the seven seas and
this is a haiku.

Makes one wonder who's side I'm on, eh?

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