Jazz Diet Pepsi

An email from James Diers to The Bad Plus's blog:

Those who know me well know that I enjoy drinking soda. I am particularly fond of fountain soda. I enjoy reckless games of flavor roulette at truck-stop soda dispensers. A little cola, a little orange, a little of "the good doctor" (dr. pepper to you), a little of anything. Always in the largest cup available. It is bad for your body. So is breathing, at times.

In lieu of a fountain-style dispenser, I am a sucker for bold/inventive/stupid readymade flavor combinations and concepts. I was at the corner market the other day and happened to catch a glimpse of something new in the cooler. My jaw fucking dropped: JAZZ DIET PEPSI. See the attached photo. Examine the packaging closely. Take it all in. What the fuck is going on?! "Indulge your senses"?!?!! Which ones? The ability to detect rat-poison-based sugar substitutes? The ability to detect the most hopeless branding clusterfuck ever?

Mary says she has seen a TV ad for this stuff. Something about a woman walking around NYC and drinking this shit and hearing all the typical sounds of the city as jazz riffs. I can't describe the ad further, less because I've never actually seen it than because I'm sure it would render you paralyzed from the waist up for at least two days. Wow.

Of course, I bought a bottle. The flavor I chose was "Strawberries 'n Cream" (what's more jazz than that?). The taste? Imagine if you bought a little container of fat-free strawberry yogurt and fed it to a weasel or ferret, then waited for the animal to regurgitate it, then chilled the regurgitation down to a refreshing 45 degrees or so. Ahhhhhh.

I do not hate Diet Pepsi Jazz. I cannot summon hatred for that which I simply do not understand.

--JD

Comments

[rabbit]

Is this "urban Diet Pepsi"? I.e. "Diet Pepsi for black people"? If so--how offensive! Where are they marketing this?

[The J Train]

A thread at the Straight Dope Message Board on the subject was titled, "Anybody want a rim job?".

My wife likes it. Takes all kinds, I guess.

[Lindsay Beyerstein]

I hadn't thought of that angle, but if so, that's incredibly offensive.

I thought the jazz metaphor was about mixing different flavors into the Diet Pepsi--like strawberries and cream, and cherries and vanilla, and stuff like that.

A lot of jazz tropes in marketing just incongruous. Like the Canadian airline that calls itself Jazz. WTF?

[rabbit]

Ah-improvised Diet Pepsi!

[dave]

Didn't they already do this joke on Sealab 2021? They had a cola machine that sold Bebop cola, along with Orangette Coleman, Mingus Dew, Mango Reinhardt, etc.

[PZ Myers]

I suspect that someone at Pepsi tasted Coca-Cola Blak and realized that you can sell watered-down shit to the public, and they'll buy it.

[1984 Was Not a Shopping List]

I call Photoshop. This is an Onion picture.

[aeroman]

I had the black-cherry vanilla a couple months ago. It was not very good.

I don't think it's trying to target an "urban market" - although Pepsi DID try that with Pepsi Blue. Lindsay, I'm sure you remember the various posters for that around New York.

It's all a shame really. Everyone knows that if you really want to keep it real, Young Urban Consumer Style, you drink Vitamin Water Formula 50. As the website says, "no love playa? honeys bounce when you throw bad game. try a dose of formula 50...and lose the pimp cup." It also "brings a serious entourage of vitamins."

It is actually quite delicious. Grapey.

[DJA]

I call Photoshop. This is an Onion picture.

I'm afraid your Google-fu is not strong, 1984.

http://www.jazzdietpepsi.com

[Cass]

The Onion, however, covered the introduction of cola-flavored Sprite not too long ago.

[1984 Was Not a Shopping List]

>Google-fu

Love this term.

>The Onion, however, covered the introduction of cola-flavored Sprite not too long ago.

THANK you! :)

[The Phantom]

Diet Coke is better than Diet Pepsi. That's known as faint praise, the means of getting the caffeine fix.

And any cola beverage with cherry, or lemon, already in it is no damned good. The only good fruit flavored soda was RC Cola with lemon, and that was last sold when Uncle Kvetch was in high school.

You want lemon? Put your own goddamned lemon juice in the soda. You want cheery flavor? Do the same.

Pepsi Jazz will be like Clear Pepsi. On the shelf for a few months, then forgotten forevermore.

That is all.

[epistemology]

Lindsay, if I find out you are taking money for product placement on your blog and not telling us, I'm never buying anything here...oh wait, nevermind. Carry on.

[Cass]

She was very open about that contract with the estate of Johnny Cash, and I'm sure she would be again.

[rabbit]

New theory, having watched the ad: it IS Black People Diet Pepsi, but for white people.

[Njorl]

"New theory, having watched the ad: it IS Black People Diet Pepsi, but for white people. "

I'm now expecting to see ads for "Em&Ems".

[Rob C]

Has anything marketed using the word "jazz" ever NOT totally sucked?

Other than jazz itself, I mean.

[NBarnes]

Jazz they have to 'market' also sucks.

[De Rechter Stratumseind]

Considering our bodies are made up of 80% water and that water needed for a multitude of vital functions, we should drink it more often, without added ingredients. There really is no substitute for the real thing. If you need to change your mind about water, simply read some of the negative side effects of the extra ingredients in most beverages— particular the dangers of sugar.